To be or not to be...

I have always been rather artistically challenged.  But I can remember being 5 years old sitting at the Cut and Paste table in my kindergarten room trying to fashion a gurney out of construction paper and paper towel tubes.  One Christmas several years later my 'big' request was for a blood pressure cuff and stethoscope.

For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a doctor.  I have no idea where this desire was birthed, I did not come from a line of medical professionals but it was all I wanted.  The great question in my life was what kind of doctor would I be?  A family practitioner, paediatrician, psychiatrist, cardiology or neurologist?  Every academic decision was based on me one day being Dr. Crystal Medland MD.  It was a huge dream and it fuelled me - more than I understood.

My world was radically altered in my grade 12 year with the death of my Dad.  It was through those dark days that my faith was birthed.  You can read about if you like in my post The day the world went dark.

Despite the holes loosing my Dad had left in my life I was still determined to fulfill my dream.  So after OAC's (grade 13) off to University I went.  I can take you to the very spot in the tunnel of the Steacie building where the thought of Bible College entered my mind.  It was the most obscured thought I had ever had and it wasn't originating with me.

I quickly brushed the idea off justifying the wayward thought as being connected to by best friend, the man I would eventually call my husband.  Darryl was attending Bible College at the time and it was the first time in 5 years we weren't in school together.

Days turned into weeks, weeks in to months and I had safely distanced myself from any notion of Bible School, so I thought!

It was early August when I was finally brave enough to tell Darryl I was 'thinking' about going to Bible School.  To my delight Darryl was planning on pursuing a different field of study.  (Bible school was often referred to as 'Bridal College' and I was in no way wanting people to assume I was going for Darryl).

One week before the freshman were to arrive, I submitted my application to Eastern Pentecostal Bible College, now Master's College and Seminary.  My hope was to be declined so I could go back to a science degree and off to med school. I was greeted by a lovely lady upon entering the school, she seemed genuinely concerned for me as the acceptance committee was not intending to meet again before the start of the school year.  Unbeknownst to her, this was music to my ears! If the committee doesn't meet, I won't be accepted therefore I don't have to go!

Truth be told I left EPBC that day with a little more pick-me-up in my step. My 20 minute drive home was greeted by a ringing phone.  The delightful lady on the other end introduced herself as the same lady who had taken my application just moments earlier.  She was thrilled to share with me that GOD had moved and each person required to review my application had made an unannounced appearance all within minutes of each other, and upon review of my application she was elated to welcome me to that years freshmen class.

I am sure by now you are wondering what does this have to do with you going to Africa?  It has a lot to do with it.  I had applied to EPBC as a missions major.  The only way I could convince myself that this 'detour' could truly have any place in my life was to do the mental gymnastics that got me to medical missions.

If GOD was in fact calling me to Bible College then the only logical reason was to equip me to do medical mission.  So by that logic, and that logic alone I was a freshmen in the Missions program.

It didn't take long for the idea of being a missionary, medical or otherwise to begin to make me uneasy. From the end of August to early October I was justifying to anyone who would listen that my reason for going to Bible College was so that I could do medical missions - but the truth is I wasn't even convincing myself.

When I thought about missions I could only see Africa.  And Africa was not for me, it was never going to be for me, it could never be for me for one reason: Snakes!
Even typing the word sends shivers down my spine and and inches my feet upward towards my chair.  I hate them, I am sorry if you love them, but I don't - I can't!

They absolutely terrify me, I mean to the point of humiliation.  I am so afraid of those creepy, slithery creatures.  Its a fear that is only eased in the winter.  I am always on guard - I won't walk in long grass, hiking through the woods is anything but relaxing because I am on high alert.  I won't garden and swimming in lakes causes me great distress.  You will never find me sitting on a dock.  This fear is consuming and it is gigantic, and embarrassing.  I am so scared, even thinking about my fear is terrifying.

So back to Bible College, I was already a fish out of water, the Evangelical world was so foreign to me.  My classmates seemed so confident on why they were there, they understood the nuances that alluded me.  I felt small, almost invisible in a world that I didn't understand.  The only thing I could see as I looked down the road at my future was Africa, doctor or not, Africa was, in my mind, the land of snakes.  From my perspective, Africa was a land my feet would never touch.

Well at least for a couple of decades.